i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
