You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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