and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
