i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
