dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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