May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
