dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
