I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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