her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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