Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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