So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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