I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
