If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
