fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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