Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
