I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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