I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
