I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
