when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
