I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
