I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
