Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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