I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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