We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
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Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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