He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
