Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You may now shotgun with the bride
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
