So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
