In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
