probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
