How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
