I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
