Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
