I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
