They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
