he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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