Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
