We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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