I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
