my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she told me i tasted like america
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
