I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
