I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
