Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
