The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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