ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
