im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
