My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
