Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
