I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
