they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
