So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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