Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
