I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
