I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
