They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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