I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
