woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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