Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
