I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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